Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

Voting for coroner

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

No one can handle that

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.