Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
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[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)