Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*