Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
You Might Also Like
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.