Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

😆this is so true

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!

(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

Autocarrot sucks!