Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

I don’t o u anything!

– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…