Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

No laws when master is gone

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful