Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
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Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Inside you there are two wolves
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
ACED my prostate exam!
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!