Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years

Me *makes note in diary* will do

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

Saturday

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”