Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.