Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: father’s day means so much to us single dads

wife: uhhh…we’re married

me: right, but I’m the only dad

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

💀💀

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.