Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
We made a comic about a space heater.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.