Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

Overindulged this afternoon.

Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo