Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

me: man technology is scary af

black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.