me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Lmfaoooooo
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Breaking news:
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?