Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”

“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”