Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

the best thing i’ve ever made

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Still a very good boi….

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace