ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
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Haha good job!!
He instantly became one of the bros
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Better luck next time champ
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.
