me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
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I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.