Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Mmmm canned fish.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble