Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
When you put it that way… 😂
