Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

me when i see my girls butt

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

😎

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Hello Twits.

yea so i messed up lol

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones