Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.