Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

When the stylist spins you back around

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

How do I get a job writing these texts

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.