@mommajessiec

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

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@DurtMcHurtt

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

@StellaRtwot

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

@Marlebean

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

@all_about_today

Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.

@cristela9

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

@Rica_Bee

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

@RickAaron

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

@drinksmcgee

If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.