Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
i love modern commerce
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner