When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Me: Wake up
Me: We’re late
Me: The house is on fire
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I’m 38 it just sounds exhausting.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.