@mommajessiec

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

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@isabelzawtun

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

@bridger_w

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

@heyevergreen

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

@ATorres2181

*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
YOUR NEXT

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.

@AngryRaccoon2

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

@MasterOfFury

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

@vapidaccount

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

@AaronFullerton

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

@sixfootcandy

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

@GoodBadThing

Today I broke my personal best record of most consecutive days alive.