Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.