Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then