Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.