Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*