@SuperRandomish

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

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@suntzufuntzu

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

@o__0Dev

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

@ShortSleeveSuit

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

@envydatropic

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

@chrisanna4real

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

@moooooog35

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

@fro_vo

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

@jjhartinger

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

@splendidcynic

I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?