Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
crying
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Oh my God.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad