I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
This kid will have a bright future.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…