me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
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We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Emma is smarter than all of us.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*mops up wine with cat*
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?