me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
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Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”