@funflaps

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

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@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as a getaway driver]
bank robber: [jumps in car] “go go go go”
me: [reaching under my seat] “how do you make the seat go back?”

@Michael1979

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

@419BillE

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

@ClichedOut

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

@sock_holliday

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

@murrman5

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

@mommajessiec

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.