@funflaps
@KeetPotato
[my 1st day as a getaway driver]
bank robber: [jumps in car] “go go go go”
me: [reaching under my seat] “how do you make the seat go back?”
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@KeetPotato
@Michael1979
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
@419BillE
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
@GrowlyGrego
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
@ClichedOut
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
@sock_holliday
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
@murrman5
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
@mommajessiec
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
@angelizaj
Canada.
Because I love being cold 95% of my life.
@kimlockhartga
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?