I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose