me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

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[my 1st day as a getaway driver]
bank robber: [jumps in car] “go go go go”
me: [reaching under my seat] “how do you make the seat go back?”


Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded


*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*


*wakes up drenched in sweat*


my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?


[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist


I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents


My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.