Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
This is why I hate group projects
