Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
You Might Also Like
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.