Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Yup

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

This is enough internet for the day.

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

yeah I’m excited for Dune 2

dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming