Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side