Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
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Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.