Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Confused owl: What?!

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Oops 🤭

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

Good dog. ❤️