Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
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I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My brain is a bad influence on me
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles