Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over