Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Okay, I’m still confused…

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

Same post same

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder