Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.