Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.