Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tier 3 meme

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

this is a sign that you need a union

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?