Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun