Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.