Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

When someone says you are so lazy

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech