Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

i wonder why they stopped looking

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero