Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors