Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”

Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.