Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
You Might Also Like
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.