Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

the saddest jazz hands ever

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

#Caturday

Just a friendly reminder!

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??