Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
You Might Also Like
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
this has to be peak English
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
This story is comedy gold 😂
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name