Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary