Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.