Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
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I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
#Caturday
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.