Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

When you don’t understand how floors work

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….