Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

Phonetics