Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”
“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
LA today:
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither