Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
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Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
*performs CPR on the turkey*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
bat life
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There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you