Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.