Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection

Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?

16: I’m sorry I tell you anything

Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.