Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

it’s the silliest best thing

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.

Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!

My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.