Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.