Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
i- i did not expect this
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Try and stop me.
