Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

Nigella has gone too far this time.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries