Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair