Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

#JohnTravolta

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?

Me: they’re articles of clothing

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Money is the root of all wealth

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”