Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

January has been Januweary

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?