Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Haha! 😂

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me