me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
What flavor cupcake are these
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.