me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
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on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.