Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.