Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
never compromise your values
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me when my alarm goes off
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch